Need

Not an ideal start huh?

I think it’s an internal need of self reflection to some degree, and yet nothing bubbles to the surface to free itself from the murky depths of my mind.

Keep going, perhaps something will bring itself out into the light worthy of clicking the publish button …

Another cigarette and I reflect on recent conversations that could be had on any day. Conversations switching you on and off into modes of thinking, always searching for deeper meanings and for something to awaken your interest.

To be able to sit in your own thoughts without any distraction is often quite blissful. Distractions lead you away from your thoughts, which can be good in some ways, but sitting and quietly allowing your mind to wander can also allow you to explore your minds amazing tapestry.

When we say the life we lead, is it really ourselves that are doing the leading? Each day waking from another slumber planning the day, or not as the case may be. Perhaps something unexpected crops up and we have to deal with a situation, another distraction …

Some years ago something changed in me that I can’t explain. The things that I once enjoyed, no longer had the same effect. My passion for them dissolved like a snowflake in my hand. Perhaps that is how things are, everything temporary and nothing ever staying the same.

Perhaps those things were mere distractions from other, more meaningful endeavors that I hadn’t as yet found, and were mere fleeting obsessions.

Our lives could be experienced in so many different ways, if we were only to give our attention to what we need instead of what we want. Like a plant lacking in nutrition and sunlight, our true self can lie dormant and wither.

I once knew a lad who was a maths genius. As an example, he often brought cakes into my shop, often on a Friday. One day I was sat at my desk working out the VAT on the week’s takings, tapping away at the calculator. He saw what I was doing and asked me to give him a number, which I did. He was able to rattle back to me the exact VAT to the penny without any hesitation. Much to the annoyance of his father, he had remained as a tyre fitter by trade and seemed relatively happy to do so. I guess my point is that whilst he had a talent that is special, quite genius in fact, it didn’t give him what he needed in life and he was quite happy living a relatively ordinary life.

I’ve met some truly amazing people in my life that I have enjoyed being around. We do need social interaction in our lives, “no man is an island” as they say. Although it seems that how we interact with each other can vary depending on our thinking at the time. My own experience is often distant and meaningless at times, bereft of any true connection. Not the fault of the other, just the state of mind on my part at that particular point in time.

So how do we find what we truly need? I don’t think it’s possible to know what you need until you allow yourself to experience it, whatever it is.

There are many things we distract from that make us feel uncomfortable. Grief, fear, anger, loss, shame … the list could be endless. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable seems to be at the heart of many problems, although our ego makes it hard, trying to protect us when in fact it’s just keeping us, or it, safe. Being vulnerable is hard at the best of times.

There are attributes that you see in others which can align with your own thinking, often making your acquaintance quite unexpectedly. When this happens it can feel reassuring to your true self, and can also give you a deeper understanding of the world around you.

Thanks for reading.