Mindfulness?

We all have good and bad days I’m sure. Searching for the quiet mind, the creative mind, or the wiser mind.

Trying to understand how your thoughts work and finding some kind of solace is exhausting, but somehow it just seems important.

As you try to unravel them, not redirect them but allow them to flow uninhibited, trying not to affect the outcome, from the outside looking in, like some lab coat in another room observing an experiment.

Allowing your thoughts to speak to you without any intervention or interference, or pressure from the outside to step away.

In the space of a few hours today, I had several weird things happen … very weird in fact, at least they seemed it to me. You know when you think or notice something, and maybe it seems a little strange or you have a kind of knowing, like an answer to a question just as the TV quiz host says the answer … an answer you probably had no real clue about, but it was like it was given to you somehow.

I was playing a zombie game on my laptop … as you do. I hadn’t played it for quite a while and they’d obviously added a few “features” in their latest game update. I’d killed a few zombies whilst scavenging for items in an industrial part of a small town, when I discovered that all you could get from their bodies were sets of teeth. I thought maybe later on you can use them to make something useful, so I continued to collect them. Literally a few minutes after I’d closed the game, my partner came back from the shop and dropped a small bag of sweets (candy) she’d picked up for me, as she often does … they were teeth! I just stared at the bag in disbelief … not quite sure how that had occured or just a really strange coincidence. Had it not happened literally minutes after I’d closed the game down I probably wouldn’t have connected the two things.

On the same day, some while later … while watching a “learn electronics” course I’ve been following on You Tube. The lesson was about transistors and how they work. The guy had pulled one out of a plastic bag and was unsure about the number, he knew it was a BC type … immediately in my mind i said “BC108”. Just after my thought he clearly said “it’s either a BC107 or a BC109”. I was shocked to say the least, not sure what had just happened. He repeated the two numbers later on in the video, as if to reassert the message somehow. It felt that maybe the universe was telling me to keep looking and that sooner or later I’d find what I was looking for. It also felt that I was being toyed with in a way, it left me with a very strange feeling …

I just googled whilst writing this and found this link, which put all three transistors together in the same application use, so the reason he would miss out the one that I’d thought of still eludes me.

Switching to logical mind, this is clearly a coincidence, nothing more. I have played around with electronics in the past and whilst I’m fairly certain I may have come across the number before, it’s the fact that he skipped my number, even weirder now that I’ve just googled it and seen the three all together on the same reference sheet.

This is perhaps over-thinking at it’s best, although I’ll take it as a momentary escape from the norm on an otherwise fairly mundane day. Currently, I have far too much time on my hands, not worrying about anything in particular … just waiting for the next chapter to begin.

I do like people that are individuals … that don’t follow convention, or a crowd, as such. It’s like a breath of fresh air when you read a piece or watch a video and they are completely authentic, sharing personal insights without pushing some kind of agenda … I learn a lot from people like that.

In perhaps the last 5 or 6 years, I’ve been reading a lot about “quiet borderline”, not so much the “10 things you should look for” videos that seem to dominate You tube, but more the personal accounts, the struggles of everyday life and the misery it can cause, not just the sufferer, but also those around them. I believe in the UK, BPD is labelled as EUD/EID (emotionally unstable/intense disorder), although labels can be helpful, they aren’t necessarily who you are …

I may pick up the subject in future writings perhaps, but it’s more about the highs and the lows that interest me. Seeing how to be present in your thoughts, perhaps what they call “mindfulness” is what I’m mainly focusing on, at least while I have the time available to do so …

Whilst it seems that sufferers experience emotions at a much higher strength than most other people, which can make them very reactive, leading to anger, resentment and a lot of negative thinking … but on the flip side, they can also experience immense joy and some amazing insight.

Trying to balance things out and live a better life is often difficult, and seemingly impossible at times. But once you have some kind of “formula” to work with, it does make things a little easier to process your thoughts, at least as you get older anyway. Your life has almost become a search for an identity, clinging to a favorite person, and various other coping strategies that do little to escape the cycle. Once this is realized and control is back in your hands, you find that you can at least lessen the effects on others because you are more aware and possibly more empathetic, as your self view is less personal and, to a certain degree, less likely to react, shifting more into the driving instead of the driven …

Well i hope something here is of use to someone, thank you for reading.